In other news.

[frahulettaes]

So, yeah. One thing I've noticed about learning to hear the language of privilege is how much it pains me when people I admire say thoughtless things. I know that if challenged, they'd be surprised, sorry, defensive. But none of that changes how painful it is for me to hear. How sad it makes me. It's a sort of existential crisis. I see it. It's there. There's virtually nothing I can do about it but notice and mention it. And by doing so, I become the gadfly. The pariah. The one people admire for intelligence but don't invite to the party because they don't want to be criticized. And no matter how nice I am about it, bottom line is, as a critic, I have become shunned. For someone like me who thrives on connection, this feels an order of magnitude worse than just having someone say, hey, that's uncomfortable. Most folks, I've noticed, just don't engage me anymore.

In a sense, even how I present myself is a criticism of privilege. Hetero-privilege. See, I have no hair. Not short hair. NO hair. I love it. I never knew I had so many emotions, issues, weird biases about my hair until I got rid of it. It's amazing. For me. Inside. But, clearly, this whole thing is a HUGE challenge for those who see me. I don't try to look like I'm trying to get a man. I am trying to look like myself. For me. And that just seems to piss people right off. And I'm like, woah, hang on there. Really?

I'd like to think that I'm blazing some trail, hero like and strong. But really? Sometimes I just feel like I'm on house arrest. Work. Home. On socially imposed solitary confinement. I've been told there are people like me. That I just have to 'get out there'. But really? I AM OUT THERE EVERYDAY. And there seems to be NO ONE like me.

So, there seems to be a disconnect between how I see myself and am seen by those two people who are friends, and how the world responds to me. They don't match up. I'm a little, wtf? See? This is why people stay in bad marriages. Because at least you have someone to connect with everyday.

eta: I wanted to add a caveat. For me, I see these things as related, where someone else might not. I've always related things in a different way from how others do. This is another social disconnect for me. Because I have an unconventional way of seeing the relationship between events and causes, I find myself marginalized in conversation. This is frustrating to me.

Sigh. This message brought you by Christian Kane. Hey, Chris, guess what? WOMEN KNOW HOW TO FIGHT TOO AND BEING ONE ISN'T THE WORST THING YOU CAN BE. SO STOP CALLING PEOPLE LESS ABLE THAN YOU PUSSIES. FUCKER.

Comments

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

There are many days when I feel the same way....hard to find people in this world. And very good point about the use of pussies to as a perjorative. Gah, humans, always so good at finding a way to be cruel. So...and hopefully this makes sense, there are days when I look around and am grateful to feel so alienated from the so-called mainstream. Because, frell, the mainstream is a scary awful place for the most part. *hugs*

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

yeah, I totally hear that. Still. Until we have transporters? I guess I'mma be lonely.

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

Transporters or the ability to teleport would be good. *hugs*