Notes from a Laundry

I haven't been posting very much.

I"m writing from a very nice laundry in Culver with clean machines, nice folks and a cybercafe. How cool is that?

Jenlev, I'm thinking about you a lot. I don't call you enough. But I think about you and hope that everything goes smoothly and quickly. *virtual hugz*

Nutmeg, you don't know how much I love reading your posts and the thoughtfulness you share with your comments to mine. I don't comment enough on your posts. But I adore you. Your lemurs make me smile.

Rentgirls, I'm sorry I make you hungry. I wish I lived close enough to come and cook for you. I'm making lamb shank today. Made chilled salmon and rice salad with brunoise veggies yesterday. Very yummy and nice for the hot weather we're having. *sends you virtual yummies*

I've been thinking about writing and I feel weird about it because I went and said I wouldn't anymore but the stories are still there and the boys still talk to me even after all this time. I locked the door on them but they're texting me from their confinement and whining about wanting to get laid. Sigh.

Chef school is great. I'm in baking and it's both more and less of a challenge.

I continue to be a social dork. That doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon.

After whining about wanting to be alone all that time, I find learning how to really like being alone a sad and well, lonely business. Now THAT's irony.

Ginmar, you don't know me, but your fierceness is my hero. When I grow up, I wanna be like you.

The jury's out on the new Indy film for me. I haven't seen it but plan to. I don't mind spoilers either. It's just that I spent a fair portion of my formative years watching Indiana Jones and Starwars intermitently and Indy was my hero. I'm half of a mind to just not see it and keep my childhood memories pure. The other half is a collector who must see ALL OF THE SHOWS. Sigh. From what I've been reading on the flist, it's worth it just to see Karen Allen. I'm pretty okay with that. But I'm ready for disappointment.

I keep sighing. I think it's because I'm mourning a lot of things. Not seeing my son as much. Divorce. Living on my own. Changing careers. Meeting new friends because apparently, I don't keep old one's so much. Or, they don't keep me. For which I'm sorry. And don't even know how to approach making that right.

On that note, I've been following the whole dances with pretendians conflagration on delux_vixens, and it's really been my education on pretending, privilege and social blindness. Because, really, 'feeling' like it's right to do something doesn't make it right. I don't really know how to talk about this much but I'm learning that the world is not there for me to use nor are the people in it there for my pleasure. No matter how altruistically I think about it. But not only that, I've always striven for greater authenticity in my own life which I can now see is a reaction to my own habit of pretending how to do things in lieu of actually learning how to do something. Learning how to be a chef has taught me what knowing how to do something, really do it, feels like. And how often I've pretended to know something and I've hurt people by it. That's a painful thing or set of things to live with. I have a lot of grief about that. About hurting people.

Have'ta go fold the laundry.

See y'all dirtside.

cfj