Notes from a Laundry

[frahulettaes]

I haven't been posting very much.

I"m writing from a very nice laundry in Culver with clean machines, nice folks and a cybercafe. How cool is that?

Jenlev, I'm thinking about you a lot. I don't call you enough. But I think about you and hope that everything goes smoothly and quickly. *virtual hugz*

Nutmeg, you don't know how much I love reading your posts and the thoughtfulness you share with your comments to mine. I don't comment enough on your posts. But I adore you. Your lemurs make me smile.

Rentgirls, I'm sorry I make you hungry. I wish I lived close enough to come and cook for you. I'm making lamb shank today. Made chilled salmon and rice salad with brunoise veggies yesterday. Very yummy and nice for the hot weather we're having. *sends you virtual yummies*

I've been thinking about writing and I feel weird about it because I went and said I wouldn't anymore but the stories are still there and the boys still talk to me even after all this time. I locked the door on them but they're texting me from their confinement and whining about wanting to get laid. Sigh.

Chef school is great. I'm in baking and it's both more and less of a challenge.

I continue to be a social dork. That doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon.

After whining about wanting to be alone all that time, I find learning how to really like being alone a sad and well, lonely business. Now THAT's irony.

Ginmar, you don't know me, but your fierceness is my hero. When I grow up, I wanna be like you.

The jury's out on the new Indy film for me. I haven't seen it but plan to. I don't mind spoilers either. It's just that I spent a fair portion of my formative years watching Indiana Jones and Starwars intermitently and Indy was my hero. I'm half of a mind to just not see it and keep my childhood memories pure. The other half is a collector who must see ALL OF THE SHOWS. Sigh. From what I've been reading on the flist, it's worth it just to see Karen Allen. I'm pretty okay with that. But I'm ready for disappointment.

I keep sighing. I think it's because I'm mourning a lot of things. Not seeing my son as much. Divorce. Living on my own. Changing careers. Meeting new friends because apparently, I don't keep old one's so much. Or, they don't keep me. For which I'm sorry. And don't even know how to approach making that right.

On that note, I've been following the whole dances with pretendians conflagration on delux_vixens, and it's really been my education on pretending, privilege and social blindness. Because, really, 'feeling' like it's right to do something doesn't make it right. I don't really know how to talk about this much but I'm learning that the world is not there for me to use nor are the people in it there for my pleasure. No matter how altruistically I think about it. But not only that, I've always striven for greater authenticity in my own life which I can now see is a reaction to my own habit of pretending how to do things in lieu of actually learning how to do something. Learning how to be a chef has taught me what knowing how to do something, really do it, feels like. And how often I've pretended to know something and I've hurt people by it. That's a painful thing or set of things to live with. I have a lot of grief about that. About hurting people.

Have'ta go fold the laundry.

See y'all dirtside.

cfj

Comments

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

Hey you, been thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. And a smooch too.

I am also a social dork, and you know after a while I've decided that's not a bad thing. Life is quiet and peaceful that way. ;)

Indy was flawed in some aspects but still totally awesome. And Indy so still has it after all these years. So does Karen Allen.

Perhaps it's about being with yourself instead of being alone. *hugs*

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

*hugz*

Social Dorkdom is less lonely with you in it. ;)

HEee! Indy!

*ponders* I'll have to think about that. I guess I'm kinda boring?

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I never get bored. There's always something to ponder which is a good thing. *hugs*

Oh yes Indy. Lovely ass on that man still.

And thank you, happily a dork on this end of the country waving at you over there. :)

[nutmeg3.livejournal.com]

Awwww, thank you. :-)

And fwiw, I've always liked being alone, but divorce - even though by the end I was really glad to get him out of my life - was still a big and very weird adjustment because of the constantness of it. (Oddly, what helped me adjust was getting breast cancer the next year and having other things to think about, but I certainly wouldn't wish thst on anyone.) It's such a cliche to say that time helps, but it does. One day you wake up and realize you've settled into your own skin or something, and even though there are still sometimes bouts of that all-aloneness, thy never have quite the same power again. Or at least that's how it was for me.

And I have one friend I've known since first grade, and others I've known for 20 years or more, but some longtime friends have gone away for whatever reason, and others have come for a shorter time and gone, but I try - even though sometimes the losses still feel fresh - to recognize what we gave each other through our friendship and to think there was a good reason why we knew each other, even though lives and reasons change. And, weirdly, it does kind of help.

Anyway, I'm blathering, but you're going to be fine, as cliched as it may sound of me to say it. Transitions just suck, and they're never as fast as it seems like they ought to be.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

truly, truly, transitions do suck. I guess I'm just adjusting to having no one on a daily basis after having someone on a daily basis. I know that sounds kind of weak, well, it does to me, but just the companionship. And knowing that I'd never have to date again. That I would grow old with someone. But, looking back, those would have been small victories in what was me loosing myself.

again, your comments are kind and full of compassion.
*hugssss*
thank you

[http://users.livejournal.com/tweedle_/]

I just had to special order shoulder of lamb at the local butchers - am visiting my parents in Ontario. It's common as muck in the UK (cheap!) and, like shanks, is tender and tasty as anything if you slow cook it.

I think you should give the boys an outting. ;)

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

I knew you'd say that about the boys...I'm gestating.

Braising is my new favorite toy. Mmmmm shanks.
Have fun and I'd love to know the recipe you use for shoulder.
;)

[http://users.livejournal.com/tweedle_/]

Am so transparent. *blushes* But you can never have too much Orlijah!

Actual recipe is in a mag at home but it is one of Jamie Oliver's and I'm winging it but it is so easy. Rub lamb shoulder with olive oil and salt and pepper. Put a load of unpeeled garlic cloves and sprigs/branches of rosemary in the bottom of a roasting pan, lay the shoulder on top, scatter with more cloves of garlic and springs of rosemary, cover tightly with loads of tin foil or tight lid and cook in oven on low heat 160ish for 4 hours at least or until meat flakes apart with a couple of forks. Heaven! Depending on how tight you can seal the roasting pan you might need to add some water to keep it moist. Disgard the garlic and rosemary. Serve with some some of your lovely mash. :)

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

might be nice with some veal stock instead of water? that way you can make a pan sauce when the shoulder comes out. that's awesome. I'm going to try this.

[http://users.livejournal.com/tweedle_/]

You shouldn't normally need to add water as the lamb is so fatty and you should be sealing the moisture in but the last time I did it in was at a friends and nothing went quite as expected and the pan dried out. You'd have to experiment. My hubby doesn't like gravy so I normally don't bother. Isn't that sad! ;)

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

heh, well, more for you then, eh? So it's not braising, it's roasting then. Nice. I did braised lamb shanks a few weeks ago and that was a little bowl of heaven.

[wyomingnot.livejournal.com]

Hey.

I lost track. I'm sorry.

Laundry sucks, even moreso when you have to leave home to do it. But it sounds like you've got a place to help minimize the suck. Awesome.

I know a bit about social dorkness and aloneness. Neither is fatal. And a great deal of the time? I like it very much this way.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm finding I have this sort of love hate relationship with my both my dorkiness and my need to be alone/my need for companionship. It's not easy. I'm a fairly tactile person. I miss that contact. But not so much that I'm willing to give up my freedom for it.

No worries. I wasn't sure you'd want to find me. I was really happy when you did. ;)

[wyomingnot.livejournal.com]

I love that I'm a dork in general. Not so much with being socially retarded. I seem to be utterly incapable of changing that. And it does suck at times.

Does that make sense?

The aloneness, well. I am not overly tactile as far as people go, so that's cool. And now that I've been really on my own for damn near four years now (whoa), I don't think I could ever give it back up.

Unless, of course, Richard Dean Anderson wanted me.

;)

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

oh hell yeah. RDA can turn my crank anyday.

Thank you for understanding. ;)

[wyomingnot.livejournal.com]

What's not to understand? ;)

*hugs*

(RDA is the sole exception to the "never getting married again" rule)

:)