Updates, thoughts and how I talk better than I write.

[frahulettaes]

Updates:

I'm in my new place and it's lovely. I'm writing this from the sofa on my back porch with coffee and watery sunlight, the rain has stopped now. The best friend's cat likes to sleep on me in the mornings and I can't tell you how much I've missed having feline love in my life. His name is Sam and he's lovely and old and crotchety. As the Boy says, he sounds like an old man cat. He really does. *loves*

I'm now almost officially bankrupt. My car was repo'd by the bank and I have nearly nothing to my name. The rest I'm sorting through to sell this weekend at the garage sale and a lot of my fannish stuff I've put up to give away on my other lj, frahulettaes. If you live locally and you want a metric ton of printed fiction in the SG1, X-files, TPM or TS fandoms, ping me and let me know. I'll happily give them to you.

All of this is part of my simplicity campaign. And I have to say, it's amazingly freeing and confusing and sad. I find that it's one thing to say I don't want all this STUFF. It's quite another to just open my hand and let go when someone offers to take it. I am not my stuff. Except, maybe I sort of am. And now, I have to find out who I am without my stuff. Oh, authenticity, why must you be so difficult? Sigh.

I've managed to cut my phone to just outgoing and incoming calls for emergency calls. No voicemail so if you have my number and try to call, I'll actually have to be LOOKING at the phone in order to get your call. I turned the ringer off during the time of nasty credit calls and I find that not being pavlov's dog about being reached has made me so much happier. I never realized how anxious my phone made me. Okay, there's probably a whole post on that sometime in my future.

Work is work. More thoughts on that later.

I think I may have posted on this before, but I actually talk much more effectively than I write. I was an early talker as a child and a very late typer. I never was a journal writer nor a written storyteller until fandom, that is. I've always been an oral processor. I usually have to talk through every aspect of an idea before I feel I've gotten a grasp on what I actually want to think about it or feel about it and this has driven lots of my friends to distraction or just away. Burned bridges is my personal specialty. If I feel I've over talked or been to intimate with someone, I'll most often just let them go, too guilty to say anything else or too self-conscious to try and make amends. It's not a healthy coping mechanism, but there it is. I do it and I'm trying to change it.

In this latest phase of my life, what with simplifying and divorcing and going bankrupt and all, I haven't really been talking to anyone. I don't have a therapist right now. No insurance to speak of, thank god for county med and their perscription program without which I might not actually be here. So I've been spending a LOT of time in my head, which is, by past experience, the WORST place for me to sort things out. So it was with intense relief that I finally had a phone call with my excellent friend jenlev about Racefail and life and the betterment of things in general. That conversation reminded me that I really really do have to talk to someone. Everyday. Be it Mom, friends or a therapist. I keep trying to learn the skill of working things our in my head without it and failing spectacularly.

I wrote a long essay about racefail and asked Jen if she'd look at it for me. I wanted to post my thoughts with pants on instead of going off what was going on in my head. I'm very glad I did. See, I'm so used to talking with fans about everything. Every little detail of the show or boys or slash. Every I dotted, every T crossed. Down to the littlest detail or across the grandest meta. So I was frustrated to see my friends and friends of friends and other non-fan related people not talking about racism and privilege and if not racism, at least privilege. There are two parts of that for me, one of which is, listening and being quiet is being asked of many. And rightly so. But also, standing up and not being silent is also being asked. This is a quandry. A catch 22 if you will.

I was silent for long time, two months. But during those two months I read posts and primers and considerate essays. I get that being silent isn't only about doing nothing. It can be about learning how to do something in a less hurtful way. Because no matter how well intentioned my enthusiasm for the conversation is, I come from privilege and whiteness. I am racist. And I am White. And that is where I must start from. As Iyangar said of yoga, start where you are, not where you think you are.

And I made mistakes just like the primer on being part of the privilege discussion warns about. I called people out rudely. I was on a mission. I was right! Sigh. I'm still looking at being right as part of privilege. I'm still reading about that and learning.

I have been furious at recent failures on the part of people I thought were doing okay. I have been saddened to see people leave lj completely in light of what's happened. For reasons I don't know and can't know. I want to give the benefit of the doubt. And sometimes, that benefit is earned and sometimes I question and can't decide. And sometimes, dammit, I'm angry that people would rather run away than do the work they've been engaged in. And I've defriended or unsubscribed from people who've been outright dismissive and unapologetic in their dismissal. Scalzi, I'm looking at you. And I'm also furious at the sheer amount of educating there is to do. As an ally, it's my job to call my white fellows on their privilege. That's part of what being an ally is. But, omg. Seriously? Metric Ton does not describe it. Privilege is like a black hole with a galaxy around it full of stars and planets of defensive dismissiveness. I just...I don't know how you all do it. I don't.

I sympathize. I cannot empathize, but I do sympathize. Sincerely.

ETA: Tablesaw brilliantly encapsulates the timeline Linked with permission.

ETA2: Continuing to call Racefail 'wank' is a derailment. It is a derailment of the 'tone' variety. If all you have to say is that it's wank and you don't have to listen, why post? Why comment? I mean, seriously, Painful and emotional conversations are painful and emotional. Change isn't easy or painless. Calling it wank dismisses the pain. Stop doing that please. (this is directed to comments elsewhere but for politeness, I brought it to my own journal rather than butting in to others personal space)

Comments

[a-d-medievalist.livejournal.com]

I posted on Scalzi favorably, and have to say I initially missed his dismissal of the general issue because I was so happy to have someone call people out on using a wider forum to out somebody. But I also can empathize with many of the people involved.

As for the rest, I'm sorry things are so crappy for you.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

Hi! Thanks for your sympathy. I appreciate it. I am, however, really trying for simplicity, so it may look crappy, but I think it's the eggs breaking to make a better omelette of my life. Does that make sense?

Re: Scalzi. I'm trying to let my feeling settle before I engage that particular hornets nest. I'm sorry he was drawn in, but, and this but is serious, to do it in such a dismissive way and then eta by pouring more gas on the fire? Not good. No.

How are you fairing these days?

[a-d-medievalist.livejournal.com]

Ok, more or less. Behind on work, and panicking about the Flycon panel!

I honestly wonder if part of the anger that is in Scalzi's post is due to the fact that he knows he may know who posted the offending comment, and that does seem to me a personal violation or betrayal. I think there's been a lot of that -- personal emotional reactions getting subsumed in the larger discussion.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

I hear that, totally! Panic not! You are most capable, as your posts show repeatedly.

See, that's where I think part of the problem is, this IS Personal. All of it. The hurt that has happened is personal. That he's been drawn in against his will, is totally privileged. But, like I say, I'm trying to give the benefit and I'm trying to put distance between my first reaction and giving what's happened some thought and distance. I think there's really no way for poc to separate emotion from the discussion. So I find it hard to expect others to get that option. Does that make sense?

[a-d-medievalist.livejournal.com]

It makes complete sense to me in one way, but in another, I have to say that I think people have a right to engange how and where they want. Yes, that's in some ways a form of privilege, but in other ways, I think it can be a healthy kind of boundary-setting. one of the things about the internet is that there are so many different understandings of public and private space. I remember a few years ago when one of Bitch, PhD's trollish commenters decided to out her because she deleted his comments and blocked his IP. The community at large (and she had a huge readership, even then) agreed that the general etiquette of blogging was, "my house, my rules". There was great outcry against the troll.

I guess part of it for me is like deciding to go to a political rally that may result in violence. I can go, or I can not go. Going doesn't mean I condone the violence that may erupt. Not going doesn't mean I don't support the cause, nor does it mean that I am not doing other productive things of my own. If I *know* that it may erupt in violence, or that there are certain voices that will assuredly drown out the message, I think I have every right not to go, and to expect that people who are guests in my house will not bring it in along with them.

I think that there is a lot of mixing up of privilege and Privilege in the conversation as it's played out. I'm honestly not sure that the issue here is whether he's getting the option of separating emotion from the discussion. I see it more as choosing when and where to have that discussion. It would be one thing if he'd been hitting all sorts of LJs and blogs with his opinion, and then cried 'foul!', but that's not really the case.

And you can definitely argue that PoC don't have that option, because they have to deal with race and perceptions every day, whether or not they want to. And that someone like Scalzi is exercizing his Privilege by refusing to be drawn in. But it seems to me that he may also be merely exercizing his privilege. If that makes sense?

ETA just read the link to your ETA -- and found this, which I love http://pats-quinade.livejournal.com/154022.html. I also appreciate that that tablesaw admits that hir account is not unbiased.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's possible to be unbiased. I think even adding that to the conversation just derails what the conversation is about. Hmmm. I'll have to think on that a bit. I do hear what you're saying. I do. And like I said, time and distance. I'll think about this more and try to tease out how best to approach it. I think there's something in there about publicblog/space/privatespace/blog that I'm not sure about. I'm not saying that just because you're on the net, you invite confrontation. But, I'm not sure what I want to say, so I'll think and maybe come back in a bit.
I do feel a little like this is not unsimilar to Frodo's question to Gandalf in the mines of Moria about, why me? How did I end up here and Gandalf's wonderful response. Sometimes we don't choose the times, sometimes they choose us. Or something. I'm glad you followed the link. I like Tablesaw's suggestion of hypertext conversation. Interesting.

[therentgirls.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear there is so much upheaval in your life. I know that when I chose to separate from my husband a few years ago that everything went into a swirl. Now that I'm on the other side (with a bit of time between) things have settled and I realize that I am in a much, much more desirable place.

I hope it all works out well for you.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

You know that's so sweet. I'm looking at this like I'm breaking eggs to make a better life omelette, like I said above to ADM.
Sigh. It's working. Thank you. ;)

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

:::massive hugs:::

It was great to talk with you. And thank you for your kind words. Today went well by the way.

Also....I was thinking of John Cleese today and remembering made me smile and think of you. *more hugs*

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

Heee! The Pith Lord returns! *hulksmish* ;)

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

For lo, he be very pithy. Heheh heh! *smooch*

And seriously, it's good to think about glee too. ;)

[nutmeg3.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are being so difficult for you right now, but I think you're tremendously brave in the way you're remaking your life, and I love your eggs/omelet analogy. I send you ::hugs::

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

Aw thanks. It is difficult. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I'd be here now I would've said you're crazy. I can't say I've enjoyed it, but I do feel a LOT stronger than before. ;) I love your sugargliders, how are the little darlings?

[nutmeg3.livejournal.com]

They're all awiggle on my tummy (inside their pouch, don't worry) even as I type. I posted new pics of them last night, in fact. Even in a bad photo, glider + grape = unbearably cute.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

heee! My fav is still the frame by frame shots of that one jumping off the bathroom hook and onto your face. That was CLASSIC. ;)

[cimmerians.livejournal.com]

Hrm. Are you quite sure we weren't, like, separated at birth or something? It's a bit eerie...

1. I *wholeheartedly support* your remaking! Minimalism is terrifying to most folks ('specially us Muricans), but I think it's incredibly valuable on about a thousand different levels. Good.

2. Phones suck ass. Good.

3. [Metric Ton does not describe it. Privilege is like a black hole with a galaxy around it full of stars and planets of defensive dismissiveness.] Not to mention gigantic asteroids of fear. Seriously.

4. You. Yay. Yes.

[frahulettaes.livejournal.com]

0. If we were, why aren't we joined at the hip? *by which I mean I would see you more*

1. I'm actually enjoying it. In an odd and apparently un-Murican way.

2. WORD.

3. OMG...It's fucking everywhere! *bangs head on wall*

4. <3